A Quick Guide on the Basics of BDSM

You know you like kinky sex. Maybe you even like a bit of bondage. But are you into BDSM? Before you decide, it’s important to understand what it means. For anyone new to the idea of kink beyond a bit of rough sex or a few kinky sex toys, let’s start with the basics.

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochist. Now, let’s talk about what that means.

Bondage and Discipline

Bondage is the part of BDSM many newbies are most familiar with. This is your handcuffs, silk ties, and bed restraints part of kink. Of course, there’s more to it than that. Rope, bondage tape, cuffs, and collars are just a part of it. Tying up (or being tied up) is the most well-known side of bondage, but there’s also something called “honor bondage” which simply means staying in one position (not moving). If you like a challenge, you might enjoy predicament bondage which often involves being tied up, with sexy, kinky choices and consequences if/when you move.

Discipline comes in many forms. Sometimes it’s the discipline to stay in one position (like when you’re doing honor bondage). Sometimes it’s in a fun, sexy role play game when one partner doesn’t do what the other partner tells them, and they’re “disciplined.” In the side of BDSM that involves power exchange relationships (we’ll get to that in a moment), discipline often means one partner behaves in a way their partner wants them to. They may be “trained,” or they may agree to do what they’re told whenever they’re asked.

Dominance and Submission

Dominance and submission (D/s) is a common aspect of BDSM relationships. This is what we call a “power exchange” relationship. One partner is dominant and has some amount of control or power. The other partner is submissive and gives up some amount of control or power. All of this requires consent and communication. If you don’t have both of those things, you don’t have dominance and submission. Partners can also switch between these roles as it works for them.

D/s can be a sexy role play game, it can be a relationship style with a long-term partner, or it can be something that happens only during sex. Fifty Shades of Grey was basically about a D/s relationship, although not a healthy one. Enjoy the series for the fantasy and the heat, but don’t use the books or movies as a guide. Any kinky activity can have an element of dominance and submission: spanking, bondage, using a leash, that pirate role play game you love. All that’s required is that one partner is in control and the other one gives up control.

Sadism and Masochism

In BDSM sadism and masochism are two sides of the same coin. A sadist enjoys inflicting consensual pain on their partner. A masochist enjoys receiving consensual pain from their partner. The kind of pain varies from person to person.

• Physical pain involves activities like spanking, paddling, flogging, hair pulling, nipple clamps, and other forms of sensation that cause pain.
• Mental or emotional pain includes dirty talk, embarrassing a partner, or other forms of a kink known as humiliation play.

Everyone’s pain tolerance is different, and it’s important to start slowly. It’s also extremely important to understand that you can be into bondage or D/s and not be a sadist or masochist. Never make any assumptions about what a kinky person enjoys. Let them tell you.

Communication, Consent, and Assumptions

The people who enjoy kinky sex, BDSM as play, or the power exchange relationship aspect of it are all different and want different things out of their BDSM experience. There’s no single right way to do it, except for a few key things.

• Consent is always required. Not just a yes, but an informed, enthusiastic yes. That means both partners have to talk about the risk involved and get into the details of what you want to experience and what you don’t want to experience.
• Communication is a key component of BDSM. You can’t have consent without it, and you can’t have great kinky fun without it, either. Talking about the kinky thing you want to do is only the beginning.
• Never make assumptions about what your partners want and feel, especially not based off porn, erotica, or past BDSM experiences.

Conclusion

Once you decide to explore BDSM, you never stop learning. There’s always a new way to do something or a new kinky activity to try. Safety is paramount, and toys are not required — although they’re nice to have. Before you use that brand new flogger, restraint system, or rope, talk to your partner about what you both want out of your kinky experience.